Love the one you're with??

This is so much easier said than done. Is it even the right thing to do? I am really confused about this one right now. How can you really fully love when your heart is in torn between two different places? What does that even look like in regards to the gospel? I am chewing on this a lot and perhaps I should just let God work it out instead of trying to figure it all out myself. Either way, this song is in my head and won't leave.

Please note

He took a 6 hour break and is back at the organ again. Maybe I should buy a black dress.

I'm so excited. I just can't hide it...

I've had a suprise party a couple times. I hated it because I figured it out before it happened. SOMEONE always ruins the freaking surprise.


P.S. I actually went to a surprise party last weekend for my buddy, VJ. He actually was surprised. It rocked.

ER gets deep

I keep forgetting to post this. A friend passed it on and I think it's AMAZING that this was written into an episode of ER.

I certainly have some thoughts on this, but I'd like to hear what YOU have to say.

I am trapped at a funeral

Or maybe an old school wedding.

Whatever the case, my neighbor has this habit of playing the organ. Yes, the ORGAN.

Late at night.

God help us all.

I have to go to sleep now, to dream of caskets and droopy flowers.

Girls Just Wanna Have Fun

I had a talk with a friend tonight who was frustrated with someone else. I often find myself in this situation, too. I get super annoyed by someone and want to change them instead of letting God change my own heart towards that person.

My goal is that I will question my own intentions, eventually questioning why they are the way they are. It's usually a combination of insecurity, pride, or that they are just broken inside. We all struggle with the same things, just in different forms.

When I finally get to the point where I get a glimpse as to why they might be that way, God fills my heart with love and compassion. I want to love on them, pray for them, encourage them. He is working on this is me and it reminded me of something I wrote a while back. It's still my heart.

eve speaks

Five year olds are sippin on Diet Cokes

While jr. high girls stick fingers down their throats-

Competing to be the first to choke.

The streets are full of Barbies looking for a Ken

Cuz society says we need attention from men.

Meanwhile housewives are hoppin the fence

Since the grass is greener on the other side.

And the rest of us are just as dense,

Saying, tan fat is better than white fat, as we all get fried.

Eve stares into her mirror,

Wondering if its from a fun house.

Shes overcome with fear.

Walls talk like on Pee Wees Playhouse.

Why is it all so distorted?

Eves realistic image has been aborted.

She says:

If my life is a circus,

I must be a freak show.

Im trying to live like Barbie,

But my plastic legs just wont go.

You talk behind her back,

But she hears- cut her some slack!

Eve sings:

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me

Cuz Ive already thought of them.

My Lord sees Eve as a bouquet,

But she just sees a broken stem.

Hold up. Wait a second. Can I get a heeeeeeeeey?!

Hay is for horses, but Eve thinks shes a cow.

Wondering whats going on now?

Eve is an octagon trying to fit into a square.

She compares herself to other girls,

Thinking she doesnt have a prayer.

The radio is telling her to shake, shake, shake it.

Ads pressure her to fake bake bake it.

Get a corporate job, or shell never make make make it.

And if she doesnt give it up, hes still going to take take take it.

Like wool over her eyes,

Eve believes the lies.

Cuz Satans always down to manipulate.

Anything so we cant concentrate.

And what do we do as women?

We perpetuate the lies.

Were all in some sort of bondage,

But were tightening each others ties.

Its time all us Eves digest our food

And instead regurgitate the lies.

It doesnt depend on your mood.

The Lord hears your cries.

When Eve sees a beast God sees a beauty.

We were created in Christs image.

Loving him is a blessing, not a duty.

Eve sees herself as one thing,

God sees another.

Shes a daughter of the King,

So are you, your sister and your mother.

Have you read the Bible?

Seen the passion?

Ladies, living for God

Never goes out of fashion.

Talk to Him, He understands.

Dont believe me?

Check out His nail pierced hands.

Is your worth based on others approval?

Sure you can live like that.

Youd be a fool, though.

Jesus was rejected by men.

His own Father created them.

But He sacrificed His life and Hed do it again.

Want to talk about love?

Read Corinthians.

In 2nd grade some kid Eve fat.

25 years later shes still stuck on that.

Family, friends, ministry & work.

Shes bummed when she cant do it all.

Shes living on Red Bull & going beserk.

But being Superwomen was never her call.

Believe those lies & youre bound to fall.

Let me break it down for you:

We all see ourselves in some sort of view,

Often based on remarks made by a few.

And how we view God can affect us, too.

These are lies and then theres Truth.

And wait- Ive got proof:

John 8:32, and you shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free.

Isnt that what we all want to be?

Tonight were talking about self-image.

And serving you is our privilege.

Ladies, as Eves we crave unity

And tonight I will fight for each of us to be free.

The question is: will you join me?

I must say, before I leave,

Dear Beloveds, welcome to Analyzing Eve.

Warning: You might pee your pants laughing

What are your greatest strengths and your greatest weaknesses?

Is that not your favorite question during an interview? I mean, really? What's a good answer?

Anywho, in the randomness that is my mind I just made a list of things I need to improve upon. It started from a list of things I need to do, but keep putting off and procrastinating, and evolved into another list.

From this list, this strange little list, I discovered somethings about myself. I guess they were already things I knew, but still it's a good reminder.

My procrastination list showed me that:

1. I am in semi-denial about being a people pleaser. I don't want to do things simply for the approval of man, but I don't want to hurt them either. Where is the balance in that? Do I go to make them happy or do I decline to stand my ground? What is the right decision?

2. I am lazy and impatient when it comes to measuring things. I hate hanging pictures. I hate lining my dresser drawers. A million years ago I had to measure the streets of Golden Hill to figure out the number of potential new parking spots for the city's Urban Planning Dept. Guess what? I hated it. Perhaps I was beat with a ruler or a measuring tape as a child. Perhaps it's a rebellion against rules and regulations. That must be it. Stick it to the man, I say!

3. I question other people's motives and intentions before I question my own. Please hold while I pull the plank out of my eye.

4. I am paralyzed in fear by things that are not scary in reality at all. Sometimes I just have to get off my ass to see that it's just the man behind the curtain, not a big scary monster. Damn that little guy.

5. I am my own worst enemy. I keep myself from doing what God has called me to do. I stand in the way of being loved, of accepting grace, of choosing freedom.

Sometimes lists are good. What to do with them now is the question. My natural instinct is to shove it under the rug, but that's the old me. Maybe I should go measure something.

Confession

I just puked up a huge confession to a friend. I basically just shared all of my fears and struggles (or at least the conscious ones.) It was almost like I needed to confess it to my friend to be able to confess it to God. I needed help getting to the throne.

Sometimes the most freeing thing in the world is to voice your sins and fears and struggles. It makes them real for a second and it's scary as shit. And then comes the gift of repentance, which I so do not deserve. There truly is nothing like it. I still can't fully get a handle on God's grace; it just blows me away.

Another moment of awe.... I pray they never cease.

choose your own adventure

Remember those books? I looooved them. I would check out every single one at the library and rush through them just so I could go back and reread every option and end up with a different outcome.

More and more I feel like I am living one of those stories. I am at a point where I am questioning my decisions, where I am and what I am focusing on. I am mentally going back to the last point and imagining the outcome if I made a different decision.

This isn't a matter of regret or discontent. It's a throwback to my childhood, a game utilizing my imagination, a pondering of "what ifs". I look back on certain people or situations in my life and now am so glad I ended up on THIS adventure. I can look back and figure out what the outcome would have been had I chose differently. Some of the outcomes are sad, some are frightful and others entice me.

What held me back from the other adventures? Oh, lots of things. Mostly myself, but definitely a combo of fear, uncertainty and protection from God. Sometimes it was simply God using my fear of the uncertainty to protect me... as weird as that may sound.

I guess this is what happens as you approach the big 3-0. I look at where I am in life and wonder what would have been otherwise- if I had moved to Berkeley at 17, if I had let myself fall in love with him, if I had taken that job in NY, if if if if....

There are so many ways this story can go. So many outcomes still to be eliminated. I am just really glad to be on this adventure. Did I really choose it? Nah, but I am thankful for it. It's my story. It's full of a lot of comedy and a bit of tragedy, but it's mine. Turn the page please.

Journals: I Get Around

Totally guilty. I am guilty of being a journal starter, not a journal finisher. You see, I'll get on a writing kick- whether it be prose, random thoughts, rants or prayers, I'll go off for a while. Then nothing.

Nothing is worse than starting to write again in an old journal. I hate it. So, I start a new one. I love the feeling of hope and of the unknown when you have all of those blank pages in front of you. I make myself promise that I will follow through and be consistent... and so the cycle continues.

Blogging is so the stress free version of journaling. There are no blank pages waiting and staring at me in anticipation. There is no guilt, no running out of ink and no crossing out thoughts. I own it here. I own my thoughts whatever they may be.

So here I am.... Hello, my name is Brooke and I am a blogger.

Eww... that sounds so gross, but like I said, I will own my thoughts and not delete. Blech.

inTALLerance

the taller i get... or maybe it's older... the more tolerant i become of people who believe things outside of my morals, values and my faith... but the less tolerant i become of the people who share them. this puzzles me. i mean, i am pleased with the former, but disappointed in the latter. maybe it's because i hold them to a higher level of accountability. maybe it's because i am just an impatient, unfair little bastard. i'm not sure. i just know that my heart needs to change, so I am counting on God to soften it.

The Work Life/ Personal Life balance

Anyone have it figured out? If so, please let me know....

I almost always find myself in this situation, no matter what the job. I struggle to maintain my identity as something separate from what I do. It does not define me. It's a part of my life. Yet when I spend so much of my time doing something that I am passionate about, it's hard to not let it mesh into other areas of my life. How do people do that, especially when a large part of it is creative work? I need to work on compartmentalizing things like boys do. Or maybe I am supposed to be like this. I don't know. It's 2:32 am. Maybe I should just go doorbell ditching or something to get my mind off it. Good mooooooooorning, neighbors!

Seriously though, folks. Words of wisdom and words of wit welcome.

MTV: Then and Now

Cheesy, but hopeful... If only they knew that they'd stop running music videos and only show people who would do anything to get on tv, aka reality shows.


Seriously, did it have to come to this? This video made me laugh and creeped me out at the same time. Let's just say this dude is lurpy.

Who's the Advetising Genius?

Revenge of the little people

Why didn't I know this girl when I was 4? She could have saved my dad millions of quarters.


http://view.break.com/536276 - Watch more free videos

Lessons from New York

Life over the last few months+ has been a little crazy. Between balancing growing work responsibilities with caring for Mom after her transplant and everything else life throws at you, there has been little time left to nurture relationships, let alone care for myself. It was such a joy to actively love my family, but I was a little bit on the frazzled side. Let's face it- I've been a basket case.

Fast forward to last week. I was in NYC for a week and a half doing PR & trade show stuff. The long hours on our feet and late late night dinners with the team amounted to a strong desire for some solo time. So, after the show, I took a couple of days to play in the city all by my lonesome. I tend to be an extroverted loner, an independent gal who loves to party with the people... as long as I get some peace. This was my chance for quiet in the chaos of the city.

Soooo I did what I love to do- found some hole in the wall foodie joints, did the museum thang, spent time just being in the park. I even stood in the rain in a sea of strangers, getting soaked as we watched the fireworks on the Fourth of July. Something about being anonymous was thrilling. It was like I was keeping a secret and nobody knew. I didn't do what I normally do- talk to strangers and make new friends/ freak people out. Keeping to yourself may sound normal for a lot of people, but I suppose I am just built differently. It's more "normal" for me to strike up a random conversation than not, but for some reason I held back. Now I realize that it might have been a part of this lesson I ended up learning.

You see, for so long I have wanted to have a NY residential adventure. Whether it's for 6 months or 3 years, I just REALLY wanted to live there. Maybe it's the spell that the city puts on people, but having only lived in San Diego, I yearned to move somewhere alone. As a result of this trip, something changed.

It wasn't a bad trip at all. In fact, it was great. I enjoyed some much needed down time and walked off every last latte, but I also walked off discontentment I may have had. I gained a whole new appreciation for the life I have here in San Diego. Not only did I miss the home I have cultivated over the years, but also the people that fill it as guests at dinner parties, friends turned roomies or when they simply stop by for some couch time. I missed the people that just feeeeel like home. It wasn't that I was homesick or over the traveling. I wasn't lonely or sad. I just realized, "Wow, I am so blessed and somehow I am silly enough to forget that."

I saw a movie one night and almost everyone in the theater was alone. Now, I am all for watching movies or going to dinner solo and all that jazz. It's liberating, but this was something else. I realized how, in such a populated place, so many people are walking through life alone. And then it clicked- I don't have to do that. True, as life changes and everyone grows up (except me), our friendships change. They don't die, they just change. I realize many of the people closest to me are on their honeymoons, perhaps on baby #2 or have even ABANDONED ME and moved away (Chidge, Ilulu, Shawmama & Bastard Boy- I am SO calling you out!) Our friendships can't be exactly the same, but they are still amazingly beautiful and important. Same, but different ;)

I can always count on my friends, but there is a point where I will need a partner to walk through life with. At 28 years young, I finally have come to understand the main purpose of a husband. Call me slow, but now I get it. We need someone to champion for us. We need someone to pick us up when we fall, to call us out, to correct and teach us, to love us the way we have been called to love. It's only natural to want to care for others, to be both their cheerleader and nurturer.

I don't know why God used this trip to NY to remind me of what I have. Maybe it's because I needed an ass whooping. Maybe it's because it points me back to His grace. Maybe it's because it was time to learn to love MY city on a new level. Whatever the case, I am so happy to be home. I am happy, more than anything, to have people that I call home, no matter where we are logistically. We could stand in a crowded room of "friends," but there are only some that I would want to wipe my tears, to share my fears and my deepest joys. If you are reading this, you are probably one of those people. Or just a stranger who randomly found this weird blog. If you are the latter, I apologize for the grammar that will not be corrected. If you are the former, thank you. Seriously.

So, grab the Kleenex for the tears and perhaps a box of Depends for the laughs. Like it or not, we are in this one for the long haul.

xoxo,
pb
aka b. lo, jamming b-funk feldman, brookie cookie wookie woman and other slightly embarrassing nicknames

I might as well wear a uniform...

because I am conforming yet again. Yep, it's a blog, people. I am such a freaking sheep....

So, here's the deal. I need to write like I need to breathe. Ok, not that badly, but it's kinda up there. So do I do it? No. I suffocate myself. I don't let myself write or paint or sing. Ok, the last one is for good reason, but you know what I mean. There are things I need to do to be this person that I am. I need to write. I need to make. If we were created in the image of a creative God I am not being myself by not creating.

That said, this blog is an exercise in living. Will it be filled with life changing thoughts and witty monologues? Not likely. Rather, you should expect lots of run on sentences, typos and brutally honest (and at times embarrassing) thoughts. Hold me accountable if you will, but I am not expecting anyone to read this. More than anything, it's a way to remind myself that I must write- something, ANYthing- even if it's just jotting down the weird (always weird) dreams I had the night before.

I don't remember the dreams I had last night, but I do remember one I had long ago as a child. It's the reason for this blog, in a way. It's the purple car with wings. I had this vision of the exact hue, the angles, the structure. I can even hear the vague hum of the engine. I had no doubt as a kid that it would be my first car. (Let's just say the barely running VW was a bit of a downer.) The weird thing is that I still don't doubt I will own that car in my lifetime. Almost every time I am stuck in traffic I think about that car. I could just pull the lever and the wings would come out and I could soar over the other dumb cars. Oh, the freedom.

The point is this- I don't want to give up on my purple car with wings. I don't just want a purple car. I want one with wings. A cross between Barney purple and magenta, it's not exactly lovely, but it's a symbol of hope for me. It's a symbol of passion. I want to live my life like that car is coming. I want to live out my dreams and see them through. I don't want the child in me to die. I just want her to keep hoping and marking her height in pencil as she grows.

So, here's to conforming with the grown ups when it makes sense and not letting go of the little girl you really are.... To holding out for purple cars with wings and writing about the break downs on the way.

Signed,
Punky

P.S.
I know someone out there wants to make a Britney reference and I won't stop you. Oh, the cheese!