choose your own adventure

Remember those books? I looooved them. I would check out every single one at the library and rush through them just so I could go back and reread every option and end up with a different outcome.

More and more I feel like I am living one of those stories. I am at a point where I am questioning my decisions, where I am and what I am focusing on. I am mentally going back to the last point and imagining the outcome if I made a different decision.

This isn't a matter of regret or discontent. It's a throwback to my childhood, a game utilizing my imagination, a pondering of "what ifs". I look back on certain people or situations in my life and now am so glad I ended up on THIS adventure. I can look back and figure out what the outcome would have been had I chose differently. Some of the outcomes are sad, some are frightful and others entice me.

What held me back from the other adventures? Oh, lots of things. Mostly myself, but definitely a combo of fear, uncertainty and protection from God. Sometimes it was simply God using my fear of the uncertainty to protect me... as weird as that may sound.

I guess this is what happens as you approach the big 3-0. I look at where I am in life and wonder what would have been otherwise- if I had moved to Berkeley at 17, if I had let myself fall in love with him, if I had taken that job in NY, if if if if....

There are so many ways this story can go. So many outcomes still to be eliminated. I am just really glad to be on this adventure. Did I really choose it? Nah, but I am thankful for it. It's my story. It's full of a lot of comedy and a bit of tragedy, but it's mine. Turn the page please.

I might as well wear a uniform...

because I am conforming yet again. Yep, it's a blog, people. I am such a freaking sheep....

So, here's the deal. I need to write like I need to breathe. Ok, not that badly, but it's kinda up there. So do I do it? No. I suffocate myself. I don't let myself write or paint or sing. Ok, the last one is for good reason, but you know what I mean. There are things I need to do to be this person that I am. I need to write. I need to make. If we were created in the image of a creative God I am not being myself by not creating.

That said, this blog is an exercise in living. Will it be filled with life changing thoughts and witty monologues? Not likely. Rather, you should expect lots of run on sentences, typos and brutally honest (and at times embarrassing) thoughts. Hold me accountable if you will, but I am not expecting anyone to read this. More than anything, it's a way to remind myself that I must write- something, ANYthing- even if it's just jotting down the weird (always weird) dreams I had the night before.

I don't remember the dreams I had last night, but I do remember one I had long ago as a child. It's the reason for this blog, in a way. It's the purple car with wings. I had this vision of the exact hue, the angles, the structure. I can even hear the vague hum of the engine. I had no doubt as a kid that it would be my first car. (Let's just say the barely running VW was a bit of a downer.) The weird thing is that I still don't doubt I will own that car in my lifetime. Almost every time I am stuck in traffic I think about that car. I could just pull the lever and the wings would come out and I could soar over the other dumb cars. Oh, the freedom.

The point is this- I don't want to give up on my purple car with wings. I don't just want a purple car. I want one with wings. A cross between Barney purple and magenta, it's not exactly lovely, but it's a symbol of hope for me. It's a symbol of passion. I want to live my life like that car is coming. I want to live out my dreams and see them through. I don't want the child in me to die. I just want her to keep hoping and marking her height in pencil as she grows.

So, here's to conforming with the grown ups when it makes sense and not letting go of the little girl you really are.... To holding out for purple cars with wings and writing about the break downs on the way.

Signed,
Punky

P.S.
I know someone out there wants to make a Britney reference and I won't stop you. Oh, the cheese!